My head is pounding so hard I can feel my heartbeat throbbing in my temple. I am so unbelievably frustrated. I want to throw something against the wall and scream at the top of my lungs.
Instead I am here typing, after waiting 20 minutes for my stupid computer to wake up. (ok, it wasn't 20 but it felt like it).
The tears are close but I'm struggling to hold them in, channeling my anger and frustration into hitting the keys as I type. All the while nervously watching the hallway for a sign of the wasp that drove me to the edge.
I have a wasp problem in my house. This is the third time that I thought it was fixed. There was a nest inside the wall and they have invaded my home - the place I am supposed to be safe.
I was already frustrated by the bad drivers on my way home from my job.
All I wanted to do was to plan the worship songs for this Sunday. But my computer was not cooperating and I couldn't stand how slow it was running. Crawling is more like it. I tried to worship but I just wasn't there and in my frustration with myself and my inabilities to deal with life, I decided to just go take a break.
(And as I type this, a youtube video I clicked on AN HOUR ago just started playing. Pulling my hair out now.)
I sat on my couch and I heard it. A noise. I'm paranoid, it's just the creaking house. But then I saw it. At least I think it's a wasp. It's something that flies and moves. So I'm sitting here typing with my fly swatter next to my hand, ready to strike.
If I find it - all of my anger and frustration is going to go into one huge smack and that thing is going to hurt when it dies. After I work up the courage to get near it of course.
Meanwhile, my brain is screaming at me that all of this wouldn't be happening if I was married. This is one of the devil's go-to lies for me.
I wouldn't have a wasp problem because I wouldn't have to live in this crappy place because we would have two incomes. And if we did have wasps, my husband would kill all of them and find the problem and TAKE CARE OF IT. In fact, he would take care of all of the spiders, moths, wasps and other multitudes of creatures that find their way into my home.
Meanwhile my computer would work fine because he would be a computer GENIUS and it would be humming along smoothly.
My house would be clean because he would help me clean it and would completely change my messy nature and inability to put my clothes away. Because that's what spouses do, right?
And I wouldn't have that large crack in my ceiling and the slow dripping when the hard rains come, reminding me that it's still there, a ticking time bomb.
We would have made dinner together and I would have been in a better mood despite several near death experiences due to idiotic drivers on my commute home.
I can't stand that a guy I knew when I was kid is dying. He has a wife and a little baby girl and they are going to lose him. And it's not fair. And that would be better if I was married because I would have someone to hold me and say it's going to be okay and I wouldn't feel like it should be me instead of him because I don't have a family depending on me.
I can't stand Facebook today. All of the cruel things people say about what other people believe, the generalizations, the hatred of people who are different from you. My heart hurts from all the sin in the world and all the people who need God but think they need something else and I can't stand it. And if I was married, I wouldn't have to go on Facebook and see it because I wouldn't be lonely.
I just wanted to come home, eat dinner, plan the worship songs, clean up my kitchen, and make Mario out of fondant for my nephew's cake.
Instead I'm sitting at my computer hiding from a STUPID WASP. And I feel the weight of the lostness of this world and I have no one to share the burden with me. And I can't take it. I can't stand that I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. I can't stand that just a moment ago I was writing about the things that are great about being single and now I want to jump out of my skin and be anywhere but inside myself.
I want to scream and rail against the unfairness of life. I want to know what is wrong with me. I want to curl up in a ball in my favorite blanket and block out the world. But I still haven't found the freaking wasp.
*Update on the wasp. It was, in fact, a wasp. I saw it buzzing around the light in my living room. It landed on the ceiling fan. I swung. I missed. Now I had an angry wasp. It landed on the lampshade. This time I hit it - unfortunately not with all of the might I wanted to hit it with - and it fell . Of course then I had to find it. And when I did, it was crawling along the ground, trying to escape. Yes, apparently wasps can crawl. You can guess what happened next.
We all have buttons the devil likes to push. For me, this is one of them (the single thing). Now, I realize that if I ever get married, there will be other buttons for him to push. That's not going to solve my problems. (My sister told me that if I was married, I'd be yelling at my husband instead of typing on my blog). My point is that everyone feels this way sometimes, in one form or another. And for those who are feeling "my" particular way, I want you to realize that you aren't the only one having a complete breakdown. It happens and I don't want to pretend that it doesn't. We just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days are harder than others. But I'm walking right next to you.